You Know You Are an Author When....

You know you are an author when......
You wake up in the middle of the night, write down your dream, then 2 weeks later look at it and wonder was I drinking that voodoo gin because your protagonist is called the Turd Burglar.

You have that short story you tell everyone it exists, but you never, ever let it see the light of day, then when you die, someone finds it in a file and publishes it as the long lost story.

You realize that Big Foot Porn is making more money than your novels and you consider for even the briefest second of writing Yeti Porn crossed with the Chupacabra

You have a 3 week writing session with a friend and when you're done you have a novel, but don't remember the 40 bottles of wine you drank, despite the empties looking at you.

Your boss or former boss is a Peeping Tom in one of your dreams and you declare there has to be a story in there; or that you dream your boss can save the world and you know better, but still write a story about it.

You have more vices than Keith Richards, but still are not mummified or preserved or whatever the fuck happened to him.

You write a story involving Big Foot like creatures involving your protagonists, but you promise it will never see the light of day.

You send a file to your editor and both of you miss the fact that there is an entire chapter missing, but can't put your finger on it as to what the problem is.

You hate garden gnomes so much you write something about one that has a magical plunger that can unplug your ass and see nothing wrong with this.

You write a sequel to the above involving faeries and think it is normal and are more willing to publish that than the goddamned big foot story.

You find that you do not function until that third shot of scotch, then the whole world is at your fingertips.

You realize that George Lucas has a fucking time machine and won't share it as Star Wars happened a long time ago......

You are watching a TV show for the season and easily deconstruct the writing to the point that you know when someone gets pregnant so that they can all write lower quality shit.

You are watching the A-team and realize it follows a formula to the minute and can predict when they first piss off the bad guys to the point they are locked in the shop with all the tools they need to make their shit.

You realize that no one can be as dumb as the bad guys in the A-team.

I am sure there is a story here between these three, hell do you even know who these three are?